Early Season Superlatives

College of Idaho 67, Northwest Nazarene 57

There’s the NNU we all know and love. Seriously: We love you Crusaders, simply because we understand your plight; your school has a lot of restrictions, little diversity, is fifteen minutes away from the biggest game in town, and some of the community colleges in the area have a much better record of success. That’s a lot to deal with. The struggle is real; you’re not a hoop-o-chondriac when it comes to why you don’t win all that often; your problems are visible, and yet we still love you and believe in you simply for that eternal conference optimism, the fact that wins and losses really do occur by any team on any given night, and with this particular loss: the fact that it means nothing!

Speaking of things that mean nothing… Here’s a fun jaunt into the land of early season conference superlatives! Just because.

Most Likely to Succeed: WWU
Biggest Drama King: WOU -beating every conference team last year with exception of one.
Life of the Party: CWU -most likely to get in a fight is the reality of this one.
Night Owl: UAA/UAF
Early Bird: MSUB/NNU
Overachiever: WOU -if they can keep progressing and learning from every game they could surprise some people.
Teacher’s Pet: WWU -doesn’t make the NCAA tournament, returns almost no one, still ranked 9th nationally in pre-season polls.
Best Dressed: TBD -we’ll be watching.
Biggest Gossip: SPU -because of how conservative the school is, the lack of black players, and the fact that they almost always have multiple gingers.
Best Smile: SFU -they lose a lot, but their guys always seem happy even while down by 15.
Biggest Prankster: MSUB -they may have some ugly early losses, but they don’t count in the standings so it would be unwise to count them out.

Best Couple: Bankorage?

Best couple is actually going to be a really interesting question this year. There’s a post that’ll go up right before conference play about travel partners, but as a preview: this year it seems like only one out of every pair is particularly strong; UAA, WWU, SPU, WOU, CWU. Doesn’t mean that all of those teams will win out against the non-strong team in which ever pair, but it’ll be interesting none-the-less to see teams not taking one of the games seriously/being exhausted from playing whichever of the two teams, and other variables that go along with it.

Best Nickname: This one needs more in-depth analysis.

UAF: Nanooks. Those are polar bears. Or a Beanie Baby husky. How cuddly. Even if a polar bear brought you back to it’s den for snuggles (which it wouldn’t) you’d still likely die of exposure, if it didn’t crush you to death beforehand, so you’re kinda screwed no matter what.
UAA: Seawolves. Seems reasonably scary. They could tear you limb from limb, drag you into the arctic ocean, eat you… all of the above…
SFU: The Clan. Effing terrifying. Oh wait, not that Klan. Mmm… Their family is still large and likely enjoys beating drums, so it could get pretty dicey. Then again, Northwest natives were known for a lot of potlatch type things, so you could also simply be fed and clothed really well.
WWU: Vikings. Nope. Berzerks out-do Vikings. Forget about that.
SPU: Falcons. Props for actually being a Biblical animal and quite regal, but what are you going to do? Retrieve something?
CWU: Wildcats. Definitely violent, but we’ll still vote Seawolves over Wildcats.
MSUB: Yellowjackets. Mascot we’re most likely to come into contact with and actually be harmed by. You make a compelling case.
SMU: Saints. There are some really iffy jokes that could go here ala Catholic priests, but we’ll take the high road. Saints should not be scary. Although you may very well win if we were taking the low road.
WOU: Wolves. Seawolves are scarier, more relevant, and less affiliated with sparkles/pedophilia.
NNU: Crusaders. The ISIS of yesteryear. Imagine if in a couple hundred years a Jihadist is a mascot. That would be hilarious.

We’ll give the ‘Best Nickname‘ title to the Crusaders simply because of the whole equivalence of having Jihadist as a mascot.

Enjoy your Wednesday, we’ll see what’s in store for tomorrow.

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